Article compiled by Bonolo Sekudu and first published on News24 on the 11th of October.
Photo: Mireya Acierto
- Dating coach Leigh Joy shares the signs that show you’re settling in your relationship.
- Settling may have little to do with the other person and more to do with how we let go of our values, dreams and goals.
- The downside to settling can be a radically reduced sense of self-love, self-worth and self-esteem.
The word “settling” could mean different things in the context of dating or a relationship.
There is settling down because you have found someone who is a match for you. However, there is also settling and accepting someone or something that is not exactly what you wanted because you can’t have what you wanted. It might also mean overlooking your own values and boundaries for love.
Dating coach and relationship expert Leigh Joy says that, based on what she went through, settling has little to do with the other person and more to do with how we let go of our values, dreams and goals.
“There are times when some needs are not as important as others. For example, someone might stay in a less than desirable relationship for the kids’ sake,” she says.
The people around you, be it friends and family who know you and how you feel about your relationship, might say you are settling.
Leigh says she wasn’t settling when she decided to stay in a relationship. “I was being strategic.”
“I settled on the fact that my daughter was young, and I felt I needed to wait till she was older to be able to cope with a divorce most healthily.
“In the meantime, I did everything I could to grow, learn and heal. I might have settled in my marriage, but that didn’t stop me from taking life by the horns and healing and growing,” she says.
In her interaction with clients, she asks: “Have you given up on yourself? Are you overstepping your internal boundaries and overlooking your values? Are you allowing your sense of self to be relegated to the back of your life, and are you living entirely for someone else?”
Leigh says more often than not, people are afraid and doubt if they have the ability or capability to live their best life.
“I then help them find the courage to live their best life, identify their inner critic and reframe the internal dialogue, recreate a self-care daily regime to have the best foundation within their lives and be the best they can be,” Leigh explains.
Five signs that you are settling
- You aren’t as excited about your relationship as you used to be.
- The frequency of sex might have waned.
- The depth of emotional connection might be more superficial than before.
- The vision of your future relationship might become blurry.
- You feel sad, down, depressed, anxious and hopeless about the situation and feel powerless to change it.
“The downside to settling can be a radically reduced sense of self-love, self-worth and self-esteem. Authentic connection to self and others could hinder this person from creating intimate relationships with themselves and others.
“Attachment styles can lead the road to understand why some people settle and others do not,” she says.
Leigh encourages you to reach out to her if you are settling in any area of your life, whether personally, relationship wise or in business.
