Article compiled by Bonolo Sekudu and first published on News24 on the 25th of October 2022.
Photo: SDI Productions/Getty Images
- Maki Mphahlane* is dealing with disappointment and heartbreak after her boyfriend of two months scammed her out of R55 000.
- She is currently going through a divorce and decided to join a dating site in hopes of meeting someone new.
- A dating coach says disappointment may affect how we see ourselves and our connection with others.
- She shares why you should not let disappointment consume you and make you give up on love, especially self-love.
When you keep being disappointed and heartbroken repeatedly, it is easy to give up on ever finding love. You may ask yourself, “When will my turn come?” “Why can’t I be happy and find someone who loves me?”
For many people, joining a dating site is a nerve-wracking step outside their comfort zone.
The idea of putting yourself out there bears its risks, but hey, “give love a try,” they say.
When Maki Mphahlane* joined a dating site two months ago, she was ready to move on. She was in the middle of getting a divorce.
But her hopes of finding companionship and love were shattered when she met her boyfriend of two months, who ended up scamming her. “It is the worst nightmare of my life,” she tells us after the online boyfriend of two months scammed her out of R55 000.
“He disappeared”, she says. The pain was so unbearable that she cried so much that she ended up in the hospital.
She shares that she is seeking psychological help because it is all too much. Dating coach Leigh-Joy says it is during this time that you must acknowledge your feelings and thoughts of wanting to give up and how hard this dating thing is. However, affirm your deep sense of self-love and appreciation for the courage it has taken for you to remain authentic, honest and dedicated to bringing your best self to the dating party.
“Disappointment affects our connection to ourselves and others. When we get down on ourselves, we disconnect from ourselves and others as a coping mechanism, which is precisely the opposite of what we need.
“When we are disappointed by dating, I encourage you to lean in closer with compassion for yourself, connect to your friends and loved ones and pray and meditate on what is sacred for you,” Leigh-Joy says.
If you don’t deal with the feelings that come with feeling rejected, used or discarded, you quickly sink into a dark place that may lead to depression or anxiety. It will not be easy to pick yourself up – not necessarily to go back to dating but to get back to you.
Leigh-Joy says, “Identify three positive aspects about yourself and turn them into I am statements – e.g. I am brave, beautiful and smart. Put reminders on your phone to keep practising speaking to yourself with compassion and deep love.
“This will give you the courage to keep going and not fall prey to the negative internal talk, possibly saying things like I am rejected, not wanted, not loved, not seen. Keeping a positive outlook about yourself will keep you interested in looking for your next big love.”
There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to date, but if the reason is attached to fear or any negative limiting belief you hold about yourself, Leigh-Joy encourages you to get a coach or counsellor to look at blind spots and gain a bigger perspective of where you are.
“It is all about healing traumas and letdowns and finding the courage to come back fighting strong for the love you know you deserve, even if that love comes from you,” she adds.
Not her real name*